Spend Easter Alternatively
"I am guessing that most will be looking to celebrate without stepping foot in church - I for one dare not just in case I internally combust..."
Easter is fast approaching and whilst the Arch Bishop Williams is planning to mark this celebration by preparing an Easter Sunday message and perhaps getting a beard trim, brow, nasal and ear wax (God please), I am guessing that most will be looking to celebrate without stepping foot in church - I for one dare not just in case I internally combust.
Bunnies, Chocolate, Chicks, Spring Lambs, Hot Cross Buns, Egg Hunts and of course a bank holiday weekend are synonymous with Easter and Im sure that the readers of Outline are looking to introduce these traditions into their own celebrations. So I thought I’d come up with some ideas to help.
Bunnies are so cute aren't they - but not a practical Easter present, one of my clients bought a giant bunny and it almost killed her mum through asphyxiation - and ate through her radiator pipes, so perhaps a better option is a Rabbit. Anne Summers is offering a whopping 20% off their Rabbits at the moment. One on offer is The Rotating One. Its the most famous and popular of the Rampant Rabbits. It has multi-rotational pleasure beads 7 settings in the ears and 3 in the shaft - perfect for those who get bored with one dimensional toys.
Chocolate, oh yum! Now there are loads of things chocolaty you can give your loved one. Chocolate willies and boobs are a fine novelty gift but in reality they’re not Cadbury. Shunga Edible Chocolate Body Paint at around £8 is great fun for the bedroom. But why not try something just a little different - a Chocolate Indulgence Body Wax. Choose to have your bits wax using chocolate wax followed by a delicious moisturising covering of chocolate oil. Spice it up by have a Couples Chocolate Indulgence Wax and enjoy a chocolate muffin and chocolate drink too. All available at yours truly Waxed Works.
Chicks, now I’m thinking the non-feathered kind here. There are some brilliant clubs in Norwich offering clientele the chance to watch beautiful girls dance up close and almost personal. Two particularly lovely dancers, Ivy and Lacey caught our eye on our visit to Platinum & Lace recently so we bought Waxing Tony - who is virtually a 45 year old virgin, a private dance - hot hot hot!
Spring lambs. Well clearly after a night of Easter holiday action in Norwich you need a trip to one of the many kebab shops in Norwich to taste the wonders of lamb served doner, kofte or shish. The Olive Tree and Master Chef are great but most are really excellent.
Hot Cross Buns - Tescos are offering 2 packs for the price of 1 right now, but let’s face it, a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips and quite frankly I really hate them (can’t stand dried fruit) So let’s focus on those buns, the best way to get hot, cross buns I believe is to get them spanked. If your partner won’t, then try www.adultwork.com for a list of local dominatrix’s that you can call on to get your buns hot and crossed, just put in your region into your search selection and you are just a small bunny hop away from your local spanker.
Easter Egg Hunts are great fun for kids but maybe a little dull for us. How about an Easter Sunday naked egg hunt. You can buy those little foil covered mini eggs and put them in very secret places. I do however recommend you do this inside the house with the curtains closed or else find yourself on the wrong side of decency laws.
And finally, many of us are lucky enough to have the bank holiday weekend to enjoy these pleasures (except me as I will be half way up a Himalayan mountain this Easter and will have the sexual desires of a 5 year old girl (yes that low). But how can you spend your time off? How about a naturist weekend? Merryhill Leisure in Honingham looks like a friendly and inclusive bunch. www.4swinging.com a national website, offers swinging holidays in many locations - perhaps swinging on your doorstep, where you might just catch your Aunt Mabel bumping and grinding with the local butcher, isn’t an advisable option.
For the more romantic amongst you there are some fabulous locations in Norfolk where you can have some Easter fun. The Hoste Arms is one of my favourite and it has a lovely spa, but even a romantic stroll along Holkham Beach or lunch at The Swan in Southwold can set the tone just right for an Easter love in.
So have a Happy Easter in anyway that tickles your pickle. And Arch Bishop Williams - you have our number - you really do need a wax!
Fannie Annie x
Hot Wax Fact: The Easter traditions of Easter bunnies and Easter eggs come from the festival’s pagan roots, where both represent fertility – come spring time we’re all breeding like rabbits!
