X Men: Apocalypse

I love the X-men. Ever since I was 18 years old and started reading comics 'seriously' the X-men books have always spoken to me about many a social issue such as bigotry, racism, isolation, acceptance, understanding, and striving to be a better person. And of course, awesome superhero smack-downs. That being said, and very much with the inclusion of, the new X men movie Apocalypse' I've grown to hate what director Bryan Singer has done, and continues to do, with my beloved mutants.The first 10 minutes (which feels like 30) of X-men: Apocalypse introduces us to the titular villain of the piece, a centuries old mutant (purported to be the very first), bent on world domination, played by the ever wonderful Oscar Isaac. Except he's not wonderful in this at all. Laden with truly awful prosthetics and costuming, all of Issac’s subtly as an actor is lost behind a purple plastic facade and wire dreadlocks. In an era where the considered blockbuster movie-maker is embracing a return to practical 'real life' VFX, I'm of the firm belief that Apocalypse should have been an entire CGI creation, and lay the blame squarely a Bryan Singer’s feet for this decision, and ALL other decisions that make this movie the bad one that it is.

When Apocalypse is awoken in the 80s, he decides to walk the earth building his army of ‘four horsemen’. And it’s at this point that we get glimpses of what this movie could have been. Michael Fassbender is given the momentary chance to shine portraying an Erik Lehnsherr who wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life hiding away with his wife and child. When that dream is inevitably taken away from him we see a flash of what made his performance so good in X-Men First Class, though the fan-boy in me does question if Magneto would ever willingly follow Apocalypse? All the other ‘horsemen’, Storm, Archangel, and a perfect comic book looking Psylocke, are all mind controlled by our rubbery moon-boots wearing mauve villain, but not Magneto. Whilst Apocalypse is building his army, we’re re-introduced to a strangely creepy Professor Xavier leching over his lost love, and impersonal performances of all our new heroes.

This movie doesn't take advantage of its 80s setting or do anything interesting either visually or narratively, (again unlike the far superior First Class), and a dig at third movies being the worst (using Return of the Jedi as an example), falls flat when you realise that this is the third movie in the current established X-Men timeline. The screenplay and dialogue are sub-standard and pander to an imagined audience intelligence level that the Spider-Man reading seven year old in me would find insulting. There's no connections built, because there's no time taken to build them, though conversely the movie feels like it takes forever to do anything. And when it does do things, it takes too long. Like a Quicksilver in reverse. But moving forward at the same time. There’s one small, 5 minute, Weapon-X sized haven in the middle of the movie. Clearly clawed into the plot to help build the promise of more to come. At best it’s a welcome distraction from the mediocrity around it, and at least it’s visually and physically faithful.

By the time we get to the unspectacular finale, Apocalypse has threatened the very existence of the world, I think, and the X-Men we’re supposed to be cheering for engage in some rudimentary super-scuffles to save the day. I’m so desperately disappointed that the introduction of characters such as Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Nightcrawler, who are like comic book brothers and sisters to me, don’t get the attention or the creative input they deserve. The last two X-men movies have both felt like Singer’s insisted on hitting a reset button both times, and I get the impression that he’s almost scared to take these movies where they should be going, wrapping himself in the safety of black armour again rather than the blues and golds that these characters should be wearing proudly. Only the very final scene of this entire movie grabbed me, and for a pulse pounding heartbeat or two, it was there. My Uncanny X-men. But I’m done. I'm done with Bryan Singer and his X-men movies. He rode the crest of a wave 15 years ago, and made one good mutant movie (the second one). Subsequent efforts have led me to believe he was lucky with that one good one. I'm not sure he even properly understands these characters, let alone cares about them. Motifs of family and belonging are touched upon, but never given the time to grow. So much so that the most emotionally engaging sequences in X-Men Apocalypse are the flashbacks from the earlier, exceptional First Class (I know I keep going on about it, but it’s so much better. The worst thing that ever happened to the X- universe was Matthew Vaughan leaving the franchise after just one movie). The characters state that they’re fighting for themselves and each other. I don’t think Singer’s got any fight left in him at all. Which is good. Coz if I met him, I’d shoot him with my laser eyes, and stab him with my adamantium claws.