The Meg

Summer is here, it’s hot, and there’s no better place to be than at the beach to get those “Good Vibrations” that the Beach Boys made so famous. Well that’s all well and good, but what about bad vibrations? You know, the sort that attract prehistoric, giant, razor toothed, dead eyed killing machines? Yes, just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, along comes The Meg. Short for Megalodon (which is Latin for huge fuck-off shark), the Meg in question is living happily at the bottom of the Mariana Trench until some scientists decide that they want to go down there as well (WHY?) Well, before you can say “Oh look, it’s that really cool actress from Orange is the New Black and John Wick 2”, someone inconsequential ends up as fish food, and there’s a 60ft oceanic nightmare heading for the nearest beach party.

So now what? Well, luckily for the hundreds of bikini/speedo clad paddlers unawares of what lies beneath, everyone’s favourite cockney hard-man, Jason Statham, is coming to take the fishy jam out of its salty doughnut. As you can imagine, Statham’s character Jonas is an ex-Navy diver with a healthy respect for the sea, who also happens to be absolutely fucking mental and with a penchant for kicking things in their giant teeth. From here, you can pretty much guess the rest. The powers that be think that they can handle it, they can’t, they realise (but not before a literal boat-load of people get munched on) that what they really need is a psychotic ex-seaman from London, they get one, they unfold a ludicrous plan that “just might work”, and the plan just about works. Fin.