Star Wars : The Force Awakens
Han is dead. Shut up.
Han Solo dies. Yep, Han Solo dies. Kylo Ren, who is his son, kills him in the belly with his fruity cruciform lightsaber. Yep yep yep. Han Solo. Dead. And you see Luke Skywalker at the end, but he doesn’t say anything; he just stands on a rock looking constipated.
Now, if you’re stamping your little feet shouting “OMG! SPOILERS MUCH,” let me explain to you why you have no right to watch films or partake in popular culture in any form: see, people like me, we’re enthusiastic and passionate about films. We like to watch films and talk about them. Sometimes even in public. And people like you don’t get to restrict that activity just because you haven’t got off your arse to watch the film yet. People like me, we’re considerate; we’re going to give you a few weeks to catch up, but people like you can’t have it both ways: If you’re honestly waiting for The Force Awakens to come out on Blu-Ray before you watch it, you don’t care enough to be convincing when you shout “SPOILERS!” Han is dead. Shut up.
Thing is, I’m safe on this one. Not one single person reading this is going to be watching JJ Abrams’ spectacularly entertaining Star Wars reboot for the first time at home. Just like no one reading this gives half a hoot what I think about TFA; Come April 18th, you’re either buying this, or you’re not. And I am.
